Story Time with 1
by DPRRluvJ13MM
Summary: Back in 1's day, things were much better. The sun was brighter, the grass was greener, and there was a distinct lack of...9!


_**Warning: This is a crackfic! Beware the AU and slight OOCness.**_

**Story Time with 1**

**7 knocked on 1's door.**

"**Come in!" 1 called.**

"**Hey 1. Thanks for agreeing to take care of the twins for me," 7 gleamed waltzing into 1's house.**

"**Of course. You know how I just…err…love your little darlings," 1 said drolly looking down into the giant blinking eyes of 3 and 4.**

"**Well, have fun kids," 7 smiled kissing the twins on their foreheads.**

"**Wait! Uh, what do I do with them?" 1 asked frantically.**

"**Oh, why don't you entertain them with one of your fascinating stories?" 7 suggested sarcastically. **

**1 mused. He did have rather fascinating stories.**

**7 shook her head and walked out the door. 1 sat down in his special red arm chair and watched as the twins began to catalog a very expensive vase.**

"**Eh, hem!" 1 coughed.**

**The twins stopped what they were doing and sat down.**

"**Now, I'm aware that you two are very interested in the past and I'm sure you're only hoping to hear about my past experiences," 1 grinned.**

**The twins looked at each other. Their eyes flickered before they turned back to 1 and shook their heads.**

**1 frowned. "Well, I'll have you know that back in my day, everything was much better than it is now I can assure you! The sun was brighter, the grass was greener, and there was a distinct lack of **_**9**_**!" 1 grimaced at the name.**

**The twins cocked their heads in confusion.**

"**Allow me to explain…" 1 said leaning back in his chair a' he began to spin his tale.**

Several years ago, 1 was walking merrily through a meadow. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, everything was right with the world.

1 beamed. It was good to be alive.

Just then, a burlap stitchpunk with a giant gold zipper skipped his way. "Hi!" the creature greeted. "I'm 9!"

"Well, hello 9," said 1 not looking particularly interested in seeing the newcomer.

"Hey! You're dressed like a pope! Are you a pope?" 9 asked.

"Yes," 1 answered shortly.

"Cool. Do you do a lot of pope things?" 9 asked eagerly.

"Well, considering pope-like things are required of a pope I would have to say the answer is yes,"1 said.

"Neat," 9 grinned.

They stared at each other for a good ten minutes before 1 decided to break the ice by saying: "Good bye."

"Hey! Do you know where I could find this fortune teller? He's supposed to be really good and I have a lot of questions for him," 9 said.

"Oh, I'm sure you do…" 1 muttered.

"His name is 6. He lives in a suburb called 'the source'," 9 said reading a piece of paper.

1 knew all too well who 6 was. He was his neighbor after all. 1 was not up for having 9 be in his neighborhood. There was something about him. Something…annoying.

"So do you know where he lives?" 9 asked.

"Nope," 1 said and he continued walking.

"Hey! Can I come with you?" 9 asked.

"Hah?" 1 asked.

"Where are you going anyway? Are you going off to church or something because you're a pope? Or are you taking a break from being a pope? Hey! If you take a break from your job does that mean you're still a pope?" 9 asked following close behind the elder stitchpunk.

1 cringed. He now knew why he didn't like 9. He asked too many questions.

"Do you like ice cream? Because I hear there's this place that sells ice cream close by," 9 said.

1 hummed. He was in the mode for some ice cream.

So the two of them went to the ice cream parlor. 9 got a large cone of strawberry. 1 got a small cup of vanilla.

"Why'd you get a small cup? Are you afraid if you get a cone you'll get all messy? And why's it small? Can you not have a lot of ice cream because you're old?" 9 asked.

1 shot 9 a nasty look and went to sit down at a table. 1 began eating his ice cream slowly as 9 began noisily eating his cone. 1 twitched as 9 splattered strawberry ice cream all over the place.

"Ugh! Ju-Get a napkin, will ya?" he cried.

9 looked up from his cone. His mouth was caked with ice cream. He got up and got two napkins. He handed one to the pope doll.

"I don't need one," 1 scoffed.

"Oh, alright," 9 said wiping his mouth off.

When they were done eating, 1 looked at the clock. It was around the time that 8 would come over to clean his house.

"Well, that was fun, I guess, but I best be off," 1 said standing up.

9 followed.

"Gah, why are you following me?" 1 bellowed.

"Because I wanna see what you're gonna do,"9 answered bluntly.

1 twitched. "Ugh! Fine! Just…don't touch anything!" he said.

When they got to 1's house, 9 immediately began touching things.

"Oh! What's this do? OH! What's this do? OHH! What's _this _do?" 9 asked pressing every button and flipping every switch he could find.

"God, I hate you," 1 mumbled.

Suddenly, the door bell rang. 9 answered it. 8 stood in the doorway wearing a French maid's costume.

9 was about to ask when 8 said: "I'd rather not talk about it."

"Oh, good! You're here. I need you to clean out the bathrooms and my bedroom," 1 said sitting in his special chair.

8 nodded and headed upstairs. 9 followed him. 1 sighed in relief. Now 9 wouldn't bother him anymore.

Just then, there was an explosion from upstairs. 1 rushed to the first bathroom and saw 8 and 9 covered in water. The toilet was broken and spewing up water. "What happened?" 1 cried.

8 pointed to 9. "I just wanted to see what would happen if I flushed it ten times in a row."

1 smacked his forehead. 8 picked up his cleaning supplies and looked at 1. "This is SO not worth twenty bucks an hour." And he left.

"Great! Now who's gonna clean my house?" 1 cried.

"I'll do it!" 9 offered.

"NO! No…uh…that's fine I…"

**1 realized 4 had fallen asleep.**

"**Hey! I'm telling a story here!" 1 spat.**

**3 nudged 4 and 4 woke up abruptly.**

"**As I was saying…" 1 continued.**

1 brought 9 into the living room and sat him down on the couch."Here!" he thrust the remote into 9's hand. "Watch some T.V."

9 marveled at the remote and turned on the T.V. He flipped through several channels as 1 walked into the kitchen and picked up the phone.

"Hello! Cat Beast Cleaning Service! How may I help you?" the Cat Beast at the end of the line asked.

"I need a new cleaning servant. 8 just walked out on me," 1 said.

"Alright, a new cleaning boy will be over in just a bit," the Cat Beast said.

1 hung up and turned to see 9 holding a broken remote and smiling sheepishly. "I was trying to open it to see how it worked."

"You don't know how a remote works?" 1 raged.

9 shook his head.

1 twitched as the door bell rang.

9 opened to door to see 5 dressed in a French maid outfit holding a mop. "My life sucks," he said.

"I can see that," 9 said.

1 escorted 5 into the house. "Okay cleaning boy, you have a broken toilet to clean."

"How's he going to clean it?" 9 asked. "Does he have super magic cleaning abilities?"

"No, I just have a mop…" 5 said.

"Well that's gonna be awfully hard. Why don't I help you?" 9 asked.

5 beamed but 1 jumped in. "NO! No…uh…it's alright 9 I think 5 can handle it himself."

"Actually, I could use some help," 5 pointed out.

"I'm not paying you to have help," 1 stated.

"I'll help him. It's no trouble at all," 9 said.

"That's what you say now…" 1 muttered.

9 and 5 went up to the bathroom. It was quiet for a while save the T.V. that 1 couldn't seem to switch off even manually. Suddenly:

_BOOM!_

1 ran upstairs. The sink had broken. 5 pointed at 9.

"All I did was turn the knob…" 9 said holding up the faucet handle.

1 smacked his forehead when suddenly there was a knock at the door. 1 raced down stairs (hoping it was the police to take 9 away). Instead it was 2.

"2?" 1 asked as 9 and 5 came down the stairs.

"I want the boy back!" 2 ordered stamping his foot.

"FINE! Take him!" 1 said thrusting 9 into 2's arms.

"Not him!" 2 cried pushing 9 back into 1 and grabbing 5's arm."Let's go home 5."

"Oh, 2!" 5 cried joyously kissing 2 passionately on the lips.

9 was about to ask when 2 answered: "It's a long story…" And they left.

"NO! PLEASE! TAKE HIM WITH YOU!" 1 cried hopelessly.

"Why do you want me to leave so bad?" 9 asked feeling a bit hurt.

1 wheeled around to face him. "Because, you've been driving me _MAD_ ALL DAY! Ever since you got here everything has been unraveling! You're a curse! A _fool_! Guided by pointless queries!" he bellowed.

9 looked confused. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Asking questions! So many pointless questions! Always _probing_ and _pushing _and…!"

There was a knock at the door. 1 opened it to see 6.

"What do you want?" 1 asked.

"I had a vision that 9 wanted to see me," 6 said.

"I'm 9!" 9 said.

"I know! I just came to tell you that I'm out of the fortune telling business. I've decided to pursue a career as an artist," 6 gleamed holding up a paint brush covered in different colors of paint.

"But can't I ask you at least ONE question?" 9 pleaded.

"NO! No more questions!" 1 cried.

"I already know your question 9 so I might as well answer it," 6 said. "The answer is yes, you will be with the love of your life!"

9 jumped in the air with joy and kissed 1 on both cheeks. 1 twitched as 9 bounced out the house spinning and twirling with delight. 6 closed the door behind him.

Still twitching, 1 said: "Well, at least he's out of my hair now…"

"**And that's what happened when I met…**_**9**_**!" 1 grimaced again.**

**The twins looked at each other in confusion.**

**Just then, the front door burst open and 9 walked in. "Hey 1!" **

"**9? Wh-what are you doing here?" 1 gasped in horror.**

"**I just came to pick up the twins," 9 said hoisting 3 and 4 into his arms.**

"**Wait…these are your children?" 1 asked.**

"**Well, yeah. I mean what? Did you think 7 had an immaculate conception or something?" 9 asked laughing a little.**

"**One can only hope apparently," 1 muttered bitterly. **

"**Well, I'll se ya around, dad-in-law," 9 smiled slamming the door behind him. The force of the door shutting caused a couple of pictures hanging on the wall to fall off.**

**1 twitched. "D-dad-in-law? NOOOOOOOOOOO!"**

**THE END**

_**I dunno, I was inspired by some crackfiction I found on here. XD I'll post something more serious later. ^^**_

_**-Alex**_


End file.
